The Power of being Open

Have you heard the saying the mind is like an umbrella, it works best open. I can’t think of many truer maxims.

Let’s think about this for a minute, what does open mean to you, in your life? Embracing, curious, opportunistic, eyes wide open. Let go further, growth seeking, pushing the comfort zone, confronting your fears.

And closed? Limiting, dismissive, cynical, blinkered, risk averse. Let’s push the boat out, how about living in your history, living with your fears, worse still letting them control you. Is this living?

When you are closed, you limit yourself, you limit the possibilities, you limit the opportunities. You limit unearthing and marveling in the true you. You are limiting living the life you are capable of. What price that?

Fable from the front line

I worked with a NZ business recently who had multiple, deep-seated challenges. The root in the end was owner dysfunction which was a subterfuge for the owners’ denial. The team don’t listen..the team don’t do this…the team don’t so that. Anyhow that’s not the thrust. Let me explain.

Two guys ran the business, they were from overseas originally. Both in their forties, bright and talented with varied and contrasting careers. But they were different animals entirely in terms of what I call their emotive wiring. Can you guess where this is heading?

One was open, one was not. One was real to the reality of the business pain, and articulating this, one was not. One was embracing and conscious to do whatever it takes, one was not. One saw opportunity, one saw blame.

Antennae alert

At the inception of the coaching relationship my antennae was alert to converse nature of the owners wiring, and the dangers this could present. As a coach you need acute antennae, like the watchman on the grassy knoll above the battlefield. Yes Mr Closed was a genuine risk to the coaching relationship however at the time I backed myself to turn him. Did I? Read on if you will.

David and Ryan

Enter David. High EQ (Emotional Quotient), a good looking guy, athletic, softly spoken, effusive, in his 50s – but nowhere near looking it – with teenage children. He was vulnerable and wore his heart of his sleeve. I saw this in his eyes and connected strongly with this. Maybe I saw a bit of me. I liked him. He was brilliant at what he did in the business, quite exceptional in fact. He had immense consciousness of what he was good at and what he was not so good at. He typically looked happy and chirpy and had a wicked sense of humor. David was open.

Ryan, on the other hand, was low EQ, analytical, introspective, an internaliser if you will. He held the purse strings, tightly. The employees viewed him as the ‘real boss’ and tip toed around him accordingly. He looked – when I saw him anyway – stressed, preoccupied and hawkish. He was often perspiring about the forehead. Ryan was closed.

Kick off

We kicked off looking at planning a strategic outlook for their business as this was absent and absolutely necessary if they were to make it. On the day of the first session David was there, punctual, and had done the prep work required to position the session to focus on the real issues. Ryan on the other hand was absent. He was ‘busy’. He was busy doing – what he thought – was important. Truth was our sessions were nudging in to business survival stakes. It was all about now. What could possibly be more important? He was avoiding the truth. One strike.

Team time

After a month or so we had the team round the table to set some awesome inspiring goals and objectives. David and Ryan had never been through goal setting before, they genuinely did not understand the purpose of goals. So we started painting this picture, driving to the epiphany which must come from their mouths: we must have goals.

Ryan on the other hand had not done the prep. He sat there throughout the session arms folded, them semi folded, eyes wandering. He looked like he’d been hit with a 2 kg gurnard, furrow browed, hawkish, closed. On another day I would have exited him however the team were present. Would not have been a good look. Second strike.

And so the time comes..

At this stage as a coach it is time to confront the disengagement. It is a nonnegotiable and happens from time to time. Sooner is always better despite the ‘awkwardness’ (today I have a very low tolerance threshold). I look at interactions like this as a freedom opportunity. To free the relationship to greater spirit, and ultimately results, or we are free to go.

I decided on the message board vehicle which I had used before. I drafted a number of simple statements on landscape A4. Emotive words. Words describing how I felt. Precisely. This would get the message across with no room for misinterpretation. My feelings were irrefutable. This is a paraphrase of the one on one exchange that followed:

Coach: Ryan thanks for meeting today, I really appreciate your time. I have a message for you.

First message board: I am pissed off.

Second message board: I am pissed off because I have committed to you and our relationship.

Third message board: But you have not committed to our relationship.